CPTSD is cruel, debilitating, life changing and exhausting. It is also incredibly expensive. Particularly when all three of us had/have it.

For me, aside from the years of excess red wine and Marlboro, which I’ve now thankfully been able to escape from, I’ve only been able to recover from PTSD through an amalgam of many elements.

The most surprising thing — something I couldn’t have even fathomed — was that when it all happened, my relationship with my children shifted.

There were, of course, my own feelings: shock, anger, disgust — a lot of that.
And then guilt. The mother-guilt. How did I let this happen?

I told my dad to get me some Marlboro. I was shaking uncontrollably, even though it was a warm summer day. My body was ice-cold. Numb.

I knew Liam had mental health issues. But not this.

I’ve just been out for a dog walk… and am now covered in bird shit, it is supposed to be lucky, but all over my shirt, my hair although thankfully my baseball hat was saved. It just really sums up the week, I think.

One of the hardest challenges I’ve had to face is this: how do you parent when your child’s been abused? How do you know when to give consequences? How do you know when they might be using their trauma to their advantage in classic teen fashion?

A senior social worker actually said that to me.

He said that to me as I was questioning if I should let their father see them whilst the disclosures were still ambiguous.

Over the first few months of the girls disclosures I felt like I was living in 'Sleeping with the Enemy'. The girls told me more and more, they draw pictures, they acted out what he did and every time I would report new developments I was told to stop. I was told I was emotionally abusing the children

Summer 2023. Since Court reopened, Lola who is by now 13 is struggling to process the abuse she suffered. She started hanging around with the wrong crowd and I would be getting weekly calls from the School regarding her 'choices'.

As part of Court Part 2 - where we are lining up for a Fact Finding Hearing (Trial) to agree future contact arrangements, any party can apply for a Part 25 which is a request for professional expert (psychological in my case) assessment of the child in order to determine what is in the best interest of the child.

When my youngest daughter was 3 she started to disclose to my mother and I that her father with whom I had separated was sexually abusing her. This was nearly 6 years ago and after 2.5 years in the family court he was found culpable. I have spent the last 3 years rebuilding our lives the best way that I can, but now, because he is demanding more time with my youngest daughter (the eldest likes to think of him as dead and he was called Voldemort by her for some years) we are back in the court system.

I have a distinct memory of calling Lola on the second night., I was at a black tie dinner but as I went outside to speak to her she was hysterical, screaming for me to come home. Of course I had no idea why. I felt trapped knowing that they weren’t happy when they were with him but I had no idea why or grounds to stop it.

I shouldn't be surprised. Every time there is an end in sight it gets ripped away from underneath me.

People say 'try and park it', it is out of your control, look at the positives. But I have planned the next two months. Holiday days I have needed to book off work, cancelled events close to the week as 4 days in Court was going to need every ounce of strength

I have always been a glass half full person, can see the positives, have a growth mindset and look to the future. But in the past few weeks I have felt broken. In my earlier post I wrote about judgement, and seriously I don't think anyone has in a year what I have had in the past 3 weeks.