Losing the connection with my children - and how I got it back.

The most surprising thing — something I couldn’t have even fathomed — was that when it all happened, my relationship with my children shifted.

There were, of course, my own feelings: shock, anger, disgust — a lot of that.
And then guilt. The mother-guilt. How did I let this happen?

We had always been incredibly close, but I felt like I was suddenly a few degrees removed from them. It was intangible — something only I would notice. It didn’t change the way I acted or behaved outwardly. But it was there.

It was like this invisible barrier.

And it was the one thing I desperately wanted back. It felt like the biggest loss. The most damaging part.

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago, after going through my last round of EMDR — the most transformative one, on a deep somatic level — that it came back.

That has been the biggest gift to me: to come back, and be present.

Someone recently said to me that when you're living in PTSD, depression, and anxiety, you're never fully integrated in yourself. And I think that's true. But I also think a big part of it was that I had to release my inner child — to tell her it was safe to come out of fight-or-flight.

Only then could I truly be present.

Because for years, I was just stuck in high alert. That was my normal. My priority. It sounds strange trying to articulate it.

The EMDR was transformative.

The first few sessions — actually, the first two or three courses — were all about strength. About gently processing what had happened. But it was the final course that changed everything.

Interestingly, all of my EMDR sessions were remote. But it didn’t make a difference — I still felt it. Deeply. And if you ever get the chance to do it, I would absolutely recommend it. I’m thankful for it every day.

I can truly say: I don’t have PTSD anymore because of that EMDR.

Of course, it wasn’t just that. I did other things too — yoga, running, eating better. I tried to stop drinking and smoking when I could. Once they weren’t essential to my survival, I could let them go.

But back to EMDR — it took me straight back.

It brought me to my inner child.

I could see myself in the sessions — this little version of me, frozen in a state of flight. The tears that came… they weren’t just tears.

They were guttural.

It was primal. It almost broke me.

I had burnout for weeks afterward.

It was a strange time — I was healing, yes — but I was also beginning to see that my second husband was gaslighting me. So while I was in this intense, transformative process, I was also waking up to another kind of trauma, unfolding in real time.

And I wonder… how different would that final EMDR course have been if I hadn’t been navigating fresh trauma in the present?

I’ll never know.

But I did it. And once I came through the burnout phase — a few weeks later — I felt my strength return.

I started making small steps.

I began taking swimming lessons.
I played tennis again.
I started writing down what my current husband was doing — the gaslighting. Noticing it. Naming it. It gave me strength.

And the most important thing — back to the original point — is that my relationship with my children changed again.

I became present again.

And I hadn’t been present in a very long time.

To be back with them fully — not just physically, but emotionally and physically - it was, is... amazing.