Parenting a child with CPTSD - to boundary or not to boundary..

One of the hardest challenges I’ve had to face is this: how do you parent when your child’s been abused? How do you know when to give consequences? How do you know when they might be using their trauma to their advantage in classic teen fashion?

It’s a really tough one to navigate. I know they need consequences. I know boundaries are important. That structure matters. But then there’s the trauma. There’s ADHD, PTSD, OCD, and all that comes with it.

It’s hard.

Especially this week - as Lola t was suspended for 5 days 10 minutes after she had left trauma therapy. The reason for her suspension? She forwarded on some porn of an ‘old’woman - apparently sent it onto another boy in her class and so it then escalated. School wanted to crack down it which is far enough.

But how do I give her consequences when, at the very same moment, she’s in therapy talking about what he did to her and her sister? When she’s in that space, processing something so deep and traumatic, how do I then come in and lay down rules?

She’s having flashbacks. She’s triggered. She’s going into the depth of it in trauma therapy.

So what do I do?

I’ve just had to take it day by day. I can’t stop her seeing friends as I don’t want to her to return to the shell of a child she was 12 months ago, barely leaving her room.

I did draw the line when she asked me to buy her some Sours yesterday. Naturally, I said no—you’ve been suspended, I’m not buying you alcohol. That was a small thing. A line I could hold.

But it’s so hard to know where those lines should be. I’ve felt this all the way through—that balancing act of parenting and boundaries is tough. And it’s especially tough when it’s just me.

A very good friend of mine always says, “Don’t be a hero.” which I’ve really had to take to heart.

When it’s just you—exhausted, fighting so many battles in every area of life—it’s hard to come home and fight again. So over time, I’ve learned to pick the things that matter most. I’ve had to choose what’s really important to me, to us, and I stick to those values.

The rest… I let go.

Yes, we eat dinner in front of the TV. Because then they don’t argue. Everyone eats. And I was so worried about eating disorders early on (and still am), so this became one of the quick wins. It just makes life easier.

Same with bedtime. They’re 15 and 12 now.

They go to bed when they go to bed. They’ve got melatonin. There’s no point in forcing it anymore. I spent years—years—battling over bedtimes. Screaming, shouting, endless nights. I just don’t have it in me now. And honestly? They don’t need it like they used to.

That’s the beauty of them getting older. There’s space for things to change.

I listened to Bella Freud’s Fashion Neurosis podcast last week, she interviewed Christian Louboutin, and one of the things he said about his mother really struck home. His mother had given him freedom to make mistakes, choose his own path and it served him well. He respected his mother for it, and that respect was important.

Lola especially tells me everything, what her friends are doing, who has had sex / drugs et.al. and I think if the way I have managed boundaries has led to this, then it is working.